Finals

Just when I thought I couldn't possibly get more tired: finals week. It's taking me three days of resting to recover from this past week but I'm finally feeling a bit more human. I survived this week, but just barely. It certainly affirmed my decision to take a break from school, but leaving school has meant leaving the program and if/when I am able to return it will be many months from now. For me, at least, this week was a lot more final than just taking a couple of tests.

I'm the kind of person that you have to nail to the floor to get them to be still. I won't be going back to school next quarter, and I won't be able to look for work until I've recovered from the surgery and completed the radiation treatment, which could be a couple of months. Even though I've got an agreement with the school to be able to come back next year, it might not be financial possibly.

I made the decision to take a leave of absence from school and at the same time to not make any decisions about the rest of my life until after this cancer business is over with. Of the two decisions, the second is proving to be the hardest to deal with. I know I'll need all of my energy to fight the cancer, but I can't help thinking about what will happen afterward. How will I put my life back together after the cancer and what will it look like?

I've always believed in working hard. The idea of taking a break from my own life, even for a couple of months, to do "nothing" but rest and recover makes me feel very anxious. I jokingly asked my boyfriend to print and sign a "certificate of completion" for the end of each week of recover so I'd feel like I was accomplishing something.

When I first got diagnosed a little over a month ago I somehow thought I was going to be able to treat it like a minor inconvenience and then get back to my life. Now I have to figure out what life I'll be going back to, or if I'll be moving on to a completely new life. In all this sense of loss, I've been reminded of what I still have. I still have me with all my strengths and optimism that I have gotten me this far. I still have my boyfriend, my family, and friends who are determined to hold me up when my strength fails and keep me hoping when doubt and fear overshadow my faith that it will all work out.