I am so thankful to the Powers That Be that my life took a direction that allowed me to have my cancer diagnosed. I am also thankful for the kindness of that path also including a thorough education in my particular cancer so that when I was diagnosed it was not as terrifying as it could have been. I am thankful for all of the love and support that I have had for the last several months. I have so much to be grateful for, that I feel bad for whining about what I don't have, but friends this week has been hard.
The farther I get from my surgery, the more run down I feel. I'm not spontaneously napping like I was, but at this point it is largely due to sheer will to stay awake and try to be functional all day. I think this week has highlighted that for me because being on a special diet where I can eat hardly anything ready-made has shown me how little energy I truly have. I can cook and bake almost anything but yesterday I broke down and bought a box of unsalted crackers and unsalted peanut butter because I am simply too tired to feed myself properly.
I am sure most people would say, "Duh, you're 7 week out from a major surgery." I have never been good at cutting myself slack, and that is part of it, but the bigger part is that I went into all of this not with the fear of dying from cancer but the fear of a life spent on medication for my missing thyroid. Over the past seven weeks I've gotten gradually more worn down, my hair is falling out, and I feel sick to my stomach frequently. I spent five years of my twenties fighting endometriosis. I don't have the time or the energy to spend my thirties fighting the after effects of my cancer treatment.
I couple of weeks ago I made a very hard decision which is that I will not be returning to my program at school. There are many, many reasons for this but not the least of which that the instructor for most of my classes was showing up to lectures and reading out of the book to us because she either does not know the material, can't teach, or both. I already wasted a lot of time and money and I cannot conscience wasting even more paying to not get and education. This has been a great weight off my mind and if it wasn't for the fact that I got diagnosed with cancer because of being in school I would wish I had stopped sooner.
Next week I'll be having my radiation treatment and by the end of August I'll turn 33. After that point I need to seriously consider what I am going to do about financially supporting myself. I am so tired the thought brings me to tears. I am slightly failing at being an unemployed faux-house wife given that I do not even have the energy to keep our apartment clean or even cook a real dinner every night. How I am going to manage all the aspects of daily living and a full-time job again I cannot fathom. I have lost so much time and money to being sick that I am not sure how I am going to recover my life. I feel like I have lost years of my life.
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