I wanted to make at least part of this post about four days ago but between the heat and still recovering (as people keep reminding me) I have not had much energy for writing. Physically I'm doing well. I'm only taking naproxen for pain and most of the swelling is gone. I'm able to eat pretty much anything I want, all though the smell of certain foods seems to turn my stomach.
Mentally, I think things are hitting me a little. I've been having PTSD style nightmares about having to leave school and what it means for my future. I decided yesterday that until I finish with the radiation I am on vacation. I'm not going to try to be a super productive person, or try to figure out what I'll be doing after that. In all likelihood this will be the only vacation I get this year so I may as well take what has been given me and do something positive with it instead of adding more stress to the stress pile.
Right now I'm sitting in my living room surrounded by "love letters" from my friends and family. I got a handwritten letter from my friend Corellia who lives in Norway and another from Anna who lives in Sao Paulo, Brazil (including the above tiny paper cranes). I also got a card from my new friend Liz (and her husband) who I met back in February right before this all started and my friend Ashley which she delivered along with a load of popsicles and mac & cheese. Right after my diagnosis Dave and Krysten sent me two dozen roses which have now faded but the card that came with it is still propped up on the vase. I also got a balloon, a teddy bear and a vase of flowers from my mom a couple of days after surgery. My friend Heather gave me a "build your own gnomes" kit which is awesome on so many levels.
I will be honest and say that there are times in my life that I didn't know who would show up if things got bad for me. I'm an introvert, which doesn't mean I don't like people just that making social engagements isn't the first thing I think of doing when I have free time. I know it's hard on my friends and family because I'm not naturally inclined to pick up the phone and call or otherwise be very involved in the lives of other people. It can sometimes make people think I don't care which is very far from the truth.
The simple truth is that when something like cancer comes rocketing through your life like a cannonball, you need people. You need people to hug you until you cry, because you really need to cry. You need people to tell you that you are sick but that it's okay that you are sick because they will be there to spoon feed you jello when you're too tired to lift your arm. You need people to say "This is the here and now, but it is not the always." So thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who sent me flowers, cards and letters, messages and comments, texts, held my hand, or dropped by to visit me for being My People.
I saw the endocrinologist today. He told me he'd presented my case at the Cancer Care Conference last week and because of that, he was able to discuss my case with a whole group of doctors. The consensus was that because I have many years of life to look forward to that I should have the radiation treatment to prevent having to go through this again, but also that because the cancer was caught early on I will need a lower dose than usual which will reduce both the risks and side effects. The goal is to have me done with all of my cancer treatment by my 33rd birthday near the end of August. More details on this to come, I really want this post to be about all of you and not so much about the cancer.
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